Wishing that things were different.

We've recently put Ash and Wren into swimming lessons at a local pool. Mike takes Wren on Monday and Ash on Tuesday and I am left with the remaining 2 kids to hang out with after dinner.

Last night I took Ash and Phoenix to the backyard and pushed them on the 2 seater swing and then we walked to the park to have a play before bed. While I was pushing the swing I reflected on how nice it was to just have 2 kids for the evening and how there is much less conflict between the kids with one of them removed. 

What I realized last night was that at no point did I wish that anything was different. 

When Phoenix was in her younger years I would fantasize about what she would be like if she didn't have DS. 

When the twins were newborns I would fantasize about what it would be like to only care for one newborn.

In both instances this kind of fantasizing was just a reflection on how hard things were for me. With Phoenix, my distress had to do with the depth of work that I needed to do on myself. With the twins it was more of a reflection of how physically and emotionally draining it was to care for 2 babies at once.

Nevertheless, 6 years on from Phoenix's birth and 2.5 years on from my twins birth, and I don't wish anything was different. It wasn't my children who needed to change. It was me. And I have.

So I don't wish things were different. I don't wish Phoenix was different. I can't, because I don't want to reject the awesomeness of all three of the little people whom I have the privilege of raising.